The 2024 MLB Home Run Derby was confusing, over-complicated, and altogether uneventful. It was two hours of boring television culminating in a few minutes of drama. The event is longer than most baseball games and almost as boring. But I have the solution.
You can’t take bats out of the hands of heavy hitters hotter than the sun. Guys on fire, guys who can’t miss should swing til they miss, not til they run out of time or pitches. That’s your MLB All-Star moneymaker now that guys on steroids ain’t an option and the All-Star Game doesn’t count.
Simplify the rules. We went from 10 outs to three minutes to 40 pitches and/or three minutes. The fuck? Just make it 15 outs to hit as many dingers as you can, with up to three bonus balls for hitting 425-foot bombs.
Hell, if you hit it 500 feet, make the man invincible for 30 seconds like Mario getting the star power. Outs don’t count for the next 30 seconds. That’s fun and would incentivize guys to use 100-percent swings on occasion. These guys can hit it 425 feet with 75-percent effort. But we want to see if they can hit steroid bombs outside of Coors Field. You put the taste in our mouths, MLB, and we’re jonesin’ for some serious jacks.
Oh, and the winner is the guy who hits the most dingers. Full stop. How that wasn’t changed immediately after Josh Hamilton set the single-round record (28), hit the most total homers (35), and lost to Justin Morneau, 5-3, back in 2008 is regoddamndiculous. The first round should mean the most, not the least. It’s the only round that doesn’t feature fatigued participants. The men are at their best. Reward them for their best efforts. Count their damn dingers.
Fuck final rounds and fuck semifinal rounds. Tournaments just increase the chances that the best doesn’t win. You can eliminate some jokers after round one. Just let everybody else swing twice and give the trophy to the man who hits the most balls over the fence. The dinger derby should be played like it’s played by kids on little league fields all over the world. It shouldn’t need five different digital graphics failing to tell people what the hell is happening. Play the damn game as if we have no screens, no jumbotrons, and no need for them.
What’s the score and how many outs are there? That’s all we need. Even the bonus round is just a callback to the derbies of the recent past. Just go back to that. Keep it simple, stupid. If it ain’t a homer it’s an out, and when the ball travels 500 feet, for the next 30 seconds, outs don’t exist for the man who hit it. Frankly, he should get the million dollars for creating the most memorable moment of the event.
Most people don’t remember who won the derby. They remember moments. They remember Josh Hamilton hitting 12 dingers with eight outs in round one. You’ve changed the rules over and over and still haven’t had a better moment or performance, and it was more than just the man that made the moment. He had two outs left and hit a dozen dingers! That’s drama.
